I’m currently staying at my friend Amanda’s house in Massachusetts. She’s been kind enough to let me stay for a time while I decide what to do next and where to go. I’m truly grateful to her for her hospitality.
As I was in her guest room writing in my journal earlier today, I was recounting both the things I’ve already done today and the things I want to do with the time I have. I want to write, and I want to spend at least some of the time reading.
I considered the books I’m reading (yes, there’s more than one), and I listed them in my journal. After my short list, I wrote, “It’s all open to me,” referring to the library at my disposal and which books I want to spend my time reading. Writing this sentence, and considering it further, gave me an unexpected yet striking thought.
I’m going to do something a bit differently and quote directly from my journal. It’s not often that anyone, much less an unlimited audience, gets such a look into the personal thoughts of my journal. Still, at this point it seems appropriate.
It’s all open to me. And that’s it right there, that phrase. “It’s all open to me.” It sums up my life right now in so many ways. Freedom. As I sit here in Amanda’s guest room, I can do anything. I can go anywhere. I’ve really never known such openness. Yet it’s this freedom that keeps me stuck. I’m so terrified of making the wrong choice as to what to do with this freedom that I’m nearly unable to make any choice at all. I’m chained to the indecision that’s borne out of my freedom. At some point soon, I need to make a choice. I need to choose a path and then walk that path with everything I am. No more half-measures and lackluster tries. All of me, wherever I am.
That’s where, for now, the journal ends. At some point, likely even later today, I’ll write more. Where it stands now, though, it is bleak yet hopeful. It leaves me with both certainty and uncertainty. I know what I need to do, but not how to do it. I know that I need to go, but not where to go. The path is so clear, but the way to it is as cloudy and muddled as it’s ever been.
All of this could cause me to give up, to let go of this crazy dream. I could stop thinking about walking this path, this pilgrimage. I could let these questions, this uncertainty, and these expectations crush me.
But I won’t.
Instead, I’ll pray for boldness, wisdom, and guidance. After that, I’ll choose. Wherever I go, that’s where I’ll be.
This is where my journal ends, but it’s where the rest of my story begins.
A pilgrimage is an intensely personal journey, but it is not one that a pilgrim undertakes alone. I don’t want to ‘talk’ into a vacuum. I want to hear other voices, too. What I’m trying to say is, I want feedback! Have I spoken something to you? Is there something you think I should know? Do you have a question about something I said? Please leave a comment below or contact me at Pilgrim.Brett@gmail.com.
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